Pope Formosus Gets Thrown Under The Bus

Cadaver Synod sounds made up, but it’s totally true. Yes, once upon a time, the pope dug up the corpse of a previous pope and put it on trial. No, seriously, this is for real.

The year is 897. It’s one of the darkest times of the Dark Ages, and things are particularly bad for the papacy. Church historians call the period from the late 800s through most of the 900s the saeculum obscurum, or more colorfully, the Pornocracy, a time of constant political upheaval.

This was the nadir of the papacy, when popes were comically corrupt and inveterately immoral. Popes of the era got deep into politics, which had the side effect of most of them not living that long after they became pope. Pope churn was very high, with some lasting just a few weeks in office.

During this time, you didn’t become pope because of your good deeds and concern for the poor. You became pope because your powerful Roman family beat all the other powerful Roman families in the contest, and now you could enjoy the spoils. You checked your morals at the door. Papal life was a two-drink minimum. Before lunch.

Formosus was a bishop of a city just outside of Rome. Running afoul of the pope because of some political shenanigans, he got excommunicated. The pope forgave him and sent Formosus to be a missionary to the Bulgars. The Bulgars loved him. “Formosus” means “beautiful” in Latin, and maybe he won them over with his good looks:

The pope that excommunicated Formosus was eventually murdered. A few short-lived popes later, Formosus was chosen as pope in 891. Other than getting involved in politics, enriching himself, and generally having a good time, not much happened in Formosus’s five years as pope before he died in 896. But five years was a long time to be pope back then. The pope that followed Pope Formosus only lasted 15 days before he was murdered by poisoning.

Next on the papal throne was Pope Stephen VI, and he really had a grudge against Pope Formosus. A few months into his pontificate, the very-much-alive Pope Stephen ordered that the corpse of the totally-obviously-dead Pope Formosus be exhumed and put on trial. And so they did. And they went all out with it.

The corpse of Formosus was dragged out of his grave, dressed in the finest papal robes, and propped up on a throne. Now ready for the trial to begin, Pope Stephen served as both judge and prosecutor, railing against Pope Formosus for his many crimes. Some poor schmo was appointed to hide behind the throne and speak for Formosus, but as everyone could plainly see he had been dead and rotting for months, that must have been weird.

To the surprise of everyone, Corpse Formosus was found guilty, and they tossed his body in the Tiber River. When his remains washed up on shore, a friendly monk reburied him in a secret location.

No one really knows why Pope Stephen did it. Maybe it was politics, aligning him with a faction that hated Formosus. Maybe it was to cover up the fact that Stephen had committed the same crimes. Maybe, as his contemporaries wrote, Pope Stephen VI was just cuckoo bananas.

Whatever his reasons, everyone got tired of Pope Stephen VI’s shenanigans. The people rose up and threw him in prison. A few months later, he was officially deposed and strangled to death. An ignominious end, sure, but at least he was allowed to remain peacefully resting in his grave, as he has been for the last 1,000+ years.

Pope Stephen VI might not have been the best pope, but he knew an important fact of office politics: Blame everything on the guy who just left.

Missed deadlines? Totally their fault. That project that went sideways months ago? Yep, the former employee was responsible. Who's going to argue? Not them; they’re gone and forgotten.

The person who left the company is the perfect scapegoat. No awkward confrontations. No explanations needed. Just heap blame upon them. They are beyond reproach, beyond reprimand, and quite possibly beyond giving a hoot what people at their old company say about them.

So the next time The Boss charges into the meeting demanding answers, calling for a head on a spike, just tell them that they are right. Everything is messed up. And the person who just left is to blame.

And then remind The Boss that you are here, you noble few, and will endeavor to deliver whatever is needed, whatever the cost. All the whims of Management are the aspirations of their loyal servants. And lo, when these steadfast lackeys fail to deliver again, they can just blame the next guy to leave the company.